The fit hits the Shan #8: Some things I've learned from or with David in his first 30 years

I turn thirty on Sunday. That’s about all you need to know to understand this highly entertaining list from my awesome sister, Shan. Perhaps you remember her.

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Not all Christians are walking around with pockets full of stones and acrimony.  Some have cigars and friendly sarcasm.

Even if the bully is literally 4x your size, even if they’re in a position of authority, even if they’re swinging a bible, even if no one but you is willing to acknowledge that their behavior is unacceptable, even if your voice hasn’t changed: you don’t have to put up with that shit. Say what needs to be said.

A surprise growler of a good craft beer can reduce a grown man to giddiness and proclamations of love.

Swans are bastards.

If you’re going to tunnel your way out of a fortress, it’s good to have a partner in crime to cleverly disguise the opening to your escape route with her strawberry shortcake quilt.

If you plan an elaborate evade-and-escape mission with a partner in crime, you should christen your joint endeavors by giving yourself a cool name. Maybe “Blue Club Clashers”, if it suits you.  

All the really cool clubs have a good theme song. It’s best that you write these songs yourself to tailor them to your club’s particular greatness. Phrases like “thunderbolts of lightning” will impress your fans and nemeses alike.

If you find yourself in a graveyard at night and there’s a piece of plywood laying on the ground, always, always look underneath it. At the very least, you might get a great picture of yourself laying prone in an open grave.

Someone who loves you will applaud your goals and efforts, even if you’re a 17 year old, long skirt wearing, cornfield-raised white girl who listens to Chicago, Michael W. Smith,  Def Leppard and DC Talk and your new goal is to be a rapper for Jesus. And especially if you’ve just penned the lyric, “anti-polyester so they choose to die”. Someone who loves you will tell you you absolutely have a chance of making it in this profession. And then never mention it again when your ‘goal’ changes 2 days later.

You should never go to sleep on christmas eve without booby trapping every possible entrance to your room just in case someone decides to sneak in and turn off your alarm clock.

Contrary to article 57, subsection A3 of the Baptist school handbook, questioning and/or vocally disagreeing with authority, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, unfit for the kingdom. Huh.

Boxes of Nerds taste better eaten in a bed on the floor than anywhere else.

A good guy will spend 20 patient minutes coaxing you out of a frozen-in-terror position in the middle of a stream because you’re sure a snake just bit your heel. He will not laugh when you decide it was a stick until after you laugh.

It’s more fun to read Calvin and Hobbes in a tent with someone else reading Calvin and Hobbes than to stay in the camper with the adults.

There are more uses for slide-together orange or blue Hot Wheels race track strips than tongue or pen can ever tell.

A campfire story about  “Ned” can make a trip through the woods to a dark outhouse the longest walk of your life. You’ll survive it, though, if you’ve got someone to stand guard at the outhouse door with a flashlight and a hammer.

It isn’t always coming through a tunnel of epiphany and standing in the land of tall truths that makes what we have to say valuable. Sometimes a quiet and genuine question is even more worthy.

Bunnies are good folk. Rabbits are not. Some of those fuckers were unleashed from the pit for a brief reign of terror in the homes of children. (Also, this is the most apt epithet you’ll ever read for a rabbit. Make a note.)

Not all rats are created equal. Some are furry pets that walk across yardsticks and have cute names like “Jelly” and “Wally”. And some were spawned in hell’s kitchen and fed Miracle-Gro and released by Screwtape to wreak havoc in farm houses.  See also Rabbits and Nimh.

Entire vacations can be blissfully given over to the making of lists about important topics like the top 5 explosions in all moviedom.

Even a kid who thinks Winona Ryder is the best actress who ever sat on a director’s couch can grow up to be a film snob,  and confuse your rum soaked mind at 2 a.m. with phrases like “french neo-impressionism”. Or something.  It was good rum.

Not all men that are “friends” with women have to put quotes around the word.

The movie that comes to mind when someone says “Sofia Coppola” shouldn’t be Godfather 3. Nor should I say in a half valley girl drawl, “Ok, Cous.” every time I see a picture of her.

Flooded rivers should be given a wide berth.

Not everyone who gets married at 19 is a moron.

Tampons with plastic applicators/plungers look like really cool toys.

When you love someone and they love you, being comfortably quiet in the same space with them makes the world feel safer.

All men aren’t misogynist jerk faces; some write poetry. Some write poetry and STILL aren’t misogynist jerk faces.

Comfort is no excuse for apathy.

There’s a mighty wind a-blowin’ and it’s blowin’ you and me.

“Simple” love stories never are. We’re all complicated labyrinths carved in flesh and sealed with salt.

Rachel Held Evans, Alise Wright, Melinda Guerra and Shawn Smucker.

The most beautiful things in the world can’t be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart. But you damned well better try to write them down.

Some creative people can produce art in a clean, organized environment.  Somewhere behind closed doors right now, David is lint rolling his keyboard, wearing white gloves. And then he’ll write bloody prose to make your heart weep.

Sailor Jerry’s Rum.

When you’re trying to write a story with someone else, it’s important to explain your vision clearly so the person you thought was the hero doesn’t drown in 2″ of water in the 2nd chapter.

When God gives a gift to a 6 year old girl in the form of a long-prayed-for, cozy little face to love and introduce to Lego and the cool Fisher Price cash register as soon as Mama isn’t looking, 30 years later she should not marvel that he knew what he was doing. When God gives gifts he gives some good shit.