As you already know if you’ve been reading my blog this last month, we recently left our church home of ten years. It was the only church my daughter had ever stepped foot in, so her response to visiting new churches has at times been interesting (it has also involved a lot of squirming and jumping on pews in the churches without children’s church programs). Last week we were visiting a particular church for the second time, and as we rode in the car on the way she said from the back seat, “Why don’t we go to our other church anymore?”
Lyndie and I just stared out the windshield, each hoping the other would field that one. After a few seconds of preschool eyes drilling into the back of my head I completely evaded the question with, “We’re just visiting some other churches, honey.” Thanks, Dad, that wasn’t an answer. Fortunately it was enough for her at the time, even though it was knowledge she already had or she wouldn’t have needed to ask in the first place.
We’ve been unsure how to explain this transition to Yosi. Certainly our situation is easier than it could be, because we aren’t leaving due to any problems in our church. There are no awkward, grown-up controversies to try to translate for her young mind. We’re still friends with people at Grace, and Yosi still gets to see her friends from there. Still, it’s the only church she’s ever known, and part of our delay in deciding to leave was our reluctance to pull her away from a secure, loving environment when, you know, that kind of already happened once in her life.
She’s young; she’ll adapt. Kids are resilient. And like I said, we’re not having to explain some horrible conflict. But when she asked us in the car I felt for a moment like we were trying to explain an amicable divorce to our kid, even though it obviously isn’t that drastic.
If you’ve left a church and have kids, how did you explain it to them? Even if you haven’t had to do that, have you ever considered how you would?
Back when we lived in Oklahoma, we left the church we were going to because we felt that God was calling us out of it. There was nothing wrong with the church we were at (it was actually great), but God was just leading us somewhere new. Despite God’s instructions, we stayed for another month or so because of our kids. They had a great children’s church program. It wasn’t just babysitting so the parents can have a break during service. They were growing spiritually. So why would God call us out of such a wonderful church?
But we finally decided to be obedient and we spent a couple of months visiting other churches before we finally found the one we felt God was leading us to. We got the questions from our oldest (then 5) and we told her the truth. That we felt that God was leading us to a new church. She ended up getting in on the after service discussions. She would let us know how the children’s church program was. Some they just watched Veggie Tales, some they just played, and others actually taught them something.
Now we just moved to South Carolina, and we are church hunting again. There have been a few churches that they liked, but we didn’t. My husband and I are an interracial couple, and we want a church that reflects the diversity in our family, not just one side of it. So that has been a hard conversation to have, but they are getting to an age where we have been able to discuss it.
Good luck on finding a church!
When I was 16 and got my first car, my Dad stopped waiting around for me to be ready for church on Sunday mornings (he’s always early and I’m always late). He said, “She’s got a car. She can get herself there.” So he went to church and I rolled over and slept in. I was not going to that church unless I was directly ordered to go (and at that point I would have got in trouble if I had picked another church in town because they were all different denominations than ours). Mom asked me why, and I said that there was something wrong at that church (it’s old, OLD news, so I won’t rehash it here). She told me there was nothing wrong. Fine. About a year or so later, she came home from church and told me, “there’s a new church starting and Dad and I are going to be part of it”. I asked her why and she said, “there’s something wrong at our current church.” Really? That caused quite an argument. I already felt like they didn’t listen to me and this was just more proof. And about something so important in our family – faith. Augh! I still think, almost 24 years later, that it would have helped me so much – especially as a teenager – if they had handled that differently. Mom admitted that she had known something was wrong when I first mentioned it. Fine. Instead of playing the denial game (Don’t Even kNow I Am Lying), why didn’t she just say, “yes, there is something wrong and this is how we handle it and this is why we stay even when we don’t like what is happening”? Why didn’t she tell me that there was a line in the sand that would change everything but had not been crossed yet? They were my parents. Surely they knew that I was watching them and learning from what they did and didn’t do. Surely. I ended up not having kids of my own (almost a sin in itself), so I don’t have any sage advice on how to tell little ones about hard stuff. But I know that even at her age, she is watching you. And even though she can’t completely process and articulate these ideas, she is storing away this information for further use. And if you don’t offer her some honest, age-appropriate answers, she will make up her own story in her head about what happened. That happened with me and how I was told about my adoption at a young age (about 4?) and how we didn’t talk about it after that. I’m still unraveling all of the twisted stuff that got put together in my head back then. I’m all sweetness and light this morning, aren’t I? Sorry. Not trying to be a downer, but this means something to me. Kids deserve to be talked to and they deserve to know as much truth as they can handle at any given age. They need to see how their parents handle those truths so they can emulate the good example instead of trying to figure out on their own what to do. I just ranted, didn’t I? Sorry.
This takes us back to what seems to come up in every conversation about kids… how do we give the Truth in an age-appropriate way that doesn’t force them to grow up too fast or belittle them with “don’t worry about it honey… it’s a grown-up thing” or (my least favorite) “i’ll tell you when you’re older.”
I think it comes to the root of why you chose to leave… find those things (which i think you have, though i wouldn’t doubt you’ll continue to see reasons as you find a new home– sometimes we don’t know what we need until we find a place that fits better), and isolate them into ways that can fit in her world.
If i was leaving my church today, my explanation to my niece would probably have to start with sharing my understanding of ecclesiology… that I believe we look most like Jesus when we can worship and serve and learn together how to love Jesus better in place where everyone gets to talk about what God’s teaching them, and everyone is listened to and respected. And that sometimes when we find a place like that, it doesn’t stay the same forever…
As we grow up and the people around us grow up and experience life differently, sometimes some of us will move and find more friends and more people who help us love Jesus better or challenge us in humility or forgiveness in different ways that we need. We still get to keep our old friends, but we can make new ones and do church with them, too.
And then she’d ask some crazy insightful question and we’d play with clay until i could figure out what in the world to do with her question myself… much less for her.
How difficult! In your situation I’d be afraid that, no matter how complex or simple I tried to make the explanation, a child her age would either come away thinking “When I’m not happy I should quit” or “God always tells us what decisions to make.” Both are harmful ways to move through life. . . but you have many years ahead to check back in and see how she’s processing what happened at this point.
And do check back in. My mother and I are just finding out now that we were on completely different pages when I was growing up in her church. Turns out you can spend years assuming you know what your family members are thinking and be dead wrong!
We have had exactly the same question from our sons, ages 13 and 14, and our daughter, age 6, and it was just as much fun for us as it was for you. All five of us cradle Catholics left the RC church in January, but we didn’t begin attending a different church until May. Choosing to walk away from the RC church was a huge step for my husband to take, and he just wasn’t ready to attend services at any other church for a bit. When we felt ready to dip our toes into the Protestant pool, I did some nosing around online to learn about what was out there, and we chose a Presbyterian (PCUSA) church for our first visit. When we explained our decision to our kids, the boys got a much more detailed explanation than our daughter did, but it basically came down to wanting to be part of a church that doesn’t leave anyone out. With our sons, I talked explicitly about wanting a church that would openly embrace our LGBT friends; with our daughter, I talked about wanting a church that includes women on the same terms as men. I explained that the closer I listened to what the RC church was teaching, the further away from God I felt, and that I needed to find a new place and new people that would help me hear again.
So, a very different situation than yours. We have not stayed in close contact with very many people from our old church, and that speaks volumes; we didn’t know it, but we weren’t in close contact with them when we were there. We did have, and continue to have, issues with RC teachings and doctrines, and we plan to address them specifically as they come up. For us, it was a matter of course correction – we knew we were on a path away from God, and we needed to fix that.
Now, if anyone has suggestions on how to gently explain all this to my 74 year-old Irish Catholic mama, I am all ears.
I don’t envy you, especially due to that last sentance, but I definitely admire your courage. Peace of Christ to you, friend.
We left our church about 2 years ago. The church we left was the only one my daughter and son had ever known. My son was too young, but my daughter did ask questions, missing her friends and asking to go back. We never really went into detail as to why we left…we couldn’t figure out the right words and eventually, she stopped asking and we were distracted by how hard the search had become. When we were searching, we tried tombe as understanding of the anxiety the transitions would stir, letting our kids stay in service with us if they were too scared about the children’s church and nursery…letting them snack or color (one day we even brought the ipad). Through that process, we realized not every church was as authoritative as the one we left. No one looked down upon us or glared at us. I was so thankful for those few people that had thr kindness to make us feel welcome…realizing that we had made the right decision to leave. Our former church forces children to start sitting through the service in 1st grade, and any objections would be a sign of poor parenting on your part.
Unfortunately, we never really found a church. My daughter has adjusted to that too. She still wears her dresses on Sunday. Kids are much more resilent than adults. At your daughter’s age, i wouldn’t worry (easier said than done, i know).
As an aside, I never got around to commenting on your church posts, but we definitely had some similarities, and differences. I left the church b/c I was confused and felt closed in the box of Calvinism, spanking, private schooling, etc. I lost my self-esteem b/c I felt so alienated. It was only after we left, that I started searching and reading…but by that time, I had the scars of loosing friendships at our old church, and being disciplined b/c we left. We tried so hard to maintain friendships. I am happy to hear your experiences have been different, and your old church has respected your evolving views and need to look elsewhere.