That Time My Kid Was More Athletic than Yours

As you may know, Yosi has attended Awana Cubbies at a local church this year for the first time. We had mixed feelings before she started in September, but she loves it and we get a free date night every week, so we’ll leave the lingering fears of raising a Fundamentalist on the shelf for another year. Last Wednesday evening was the final club meeting before Summer break, so in true Darke County fashion they had a kiddie tractor pull to celebrate. Yes, you read that correctly.

If you don’t live in a rural agricultural community and don’t know what a tractor pull is, it involves hooking a tractor, sometimes heavily modified (some have jet engines and no, I am not making that up) to a heavy sled and seeing how far it can pull it down a dirt track. If you can swallow your pride and self-respect it’s actually somewhat entertaining to watch, particularly when a jet-powered tractor gets slightly out of control and lots of farmers in helmets start panicking. A kiddie tractor pull follows the same basic premise except it involves small children and the tractor is pedaled like a bike instead of having more horsepower than our entire Pacific fleet in World War II. I realize none of this makes any sense to you, but it’s a testament to how far out in the middle of nowhere we live that when I heard the church was closing out a year’s worth of Bible club meetings with a tractor pull I didn’t even blink. I just asked what time to be there.

Upon arriving at said event I realized they were taking this very seriously. There were trophies and stuff. And a sound system for announcing results. I began to realize how potentially amusing this spectacle was going to be, because any time adults are taking a children’s event more seriously than the children the possibility for comedy is very, very high. I was not disappointed.

Another dad from our church was standing by me as we prepared for the competition to begin, and over the course of the next 90 minutes I think we exhausted every possible joke that can be made at such an event. We tried to make said jokes as mock seriously as we could, which only backfired on me once. I asked who they had gotten to sing the national anthem. We chuckled. Another dad turned to me and said they usually just play it from a recording. I was kidding. He was not. A few moments later I stood bewildered and tried not to lose it as a small tribe of toddlers and their grown up handlers saluted the stars and stripes to the sound of a horrible recording of The Star Spangled Banner. For a kiddie tractor pull. As the closing event of the year’s Awana Bible club meetings. I swear to you I did not make one word of that up.

Words and pictures fail to convey the excitement of watching preschoolers slowly pedaling an overdone tricycle in a straight line in the parking lot for an hour, but you’ll just have to take my word for it that a good time was had by all. Sincerely. I have not laughed that hard during a church event in a long, long time. I will be there next year. And as a special bonus, my daughter finished in third place in her age group. That’s right, Yosi placed. She is now qualified to compete at the Grand National event in Columbus, which is also not a made up thing and actually happens every year. We won’t be doing that, but still.  

 

My friend made this joke when we saw the tractor: "You know it's from Darke County because it says The Little American." My response? "If we really wanted to know it was from Darke County it should say The Little Republican." Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

 

At this spot in April, 2011, the National Anthem was played before an outdoor church activity for children. I just wanted you to see where it happened.

Doesn’t this look like it could be the artwork for a Communist propaganda leaflet? “Little Suzie pedaled just a little bit harder for the sake of her comrades. Couldn’t you work just a few more hours each day during harvest? Let us do more!”

Did your kid finish third in the three year old age group of the annual Awana Kiddie Tractor Pull? No, I didn’t think so.

We get told weekly that Yosi is marrying this boy, who has been one of her best friends since the day we brought her home to Ohio. Adorable.

Easily Yosi’s favorite take-home from the evening.

All joking aside, Lyndie and I are very grateful to the teachers and leaders in the Awana program at Bible Fellowship Church. They make sure the kids have a great time every week and they sincerely care for our children. We (and Yosi) will look forward to the start of club meetings again in September. Also, free date nights. Win.

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